I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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