Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
