Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
