When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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