you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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