Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
