He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
