so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
