I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
