i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
