I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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