I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
