I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
