Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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