i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
