words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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