And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
