I will die if light touches me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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