You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
