I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
