Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Success! We fucked roommates!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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