We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
