Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
