Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
