My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
