He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
