life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
