im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
