Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize