there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
