This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
