Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
