guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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