The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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