Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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