I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
