I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Semen is not good for contacts.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize