I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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