good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
