Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize