sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
