Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
