Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
True strength comes from lack of pants
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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