the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
