did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
