I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
