I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
