At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
