$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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