I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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