I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
