So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize