Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
