Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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