He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
