Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
