Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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