Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
