I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
