WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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