Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize