I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
