Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize