8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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